Claire G's Husband Passed Away

Christine sent me a note letting me know that Claire's husband had a massive heart attack two weeks ago and died last week. You knew Claire and we have a lot in common since I can still feel the anguish of your passing. In her pain, she wrote me to let me know. I sent her this reply:

My dear friend Claire,

I have been beside myself since I heard about your husband’s passing. I remember how hard it was for me to face people after Frank died.

Allow yourself to grieve. I was totally unprepared for the pain of grieving even though I knew that Frank would not survive his cancer. I awoke every morning crying and went to bed each night with tears. It didn’t begin to subside until Frank had been gone a year. Allow yourself that time.

If you want to be alone, don’t hesitate to kick everyone out of your house. My family lingered on long past their expiration date. Some grieving must be done in the quiet solitude of the evening stillness. I could feel Frank’s presence with me for a long time. The quiet allowed me time to feel him near. If on the other hand, you prefer to have everyone with you, don’t hesitate to ask people to stay with you until you feel better about being alone.

Don’t go back to work too soon. I am a workaholic and tried to come back after two weeks. I kept bursting into tears on campus. Gage your emotions. People, well-meaning people, will constantly come up and ask how you are doing. Each time they do will bring fresh tears. I remember meeting Sarah Napier at a conference the October after Frank’s death and she innocently asked how he was doing. I had to leave the conference until I composed myself and it made Sarah feel horrible, which was not my intent. I hadn’t completed the grieving process yet.

This will be the most difficult pain you will ever feel. Separation after being together for so long will feel like it will break you, but it won’t. You are strong, caring, flexible, and loved. Focus on being loved and that you have loved in return.

Always your dear friend,

Ginny